Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Afraid.

I've had a few big disappointments in my life recently. Things I thought were God moving me in the right direction. Granted looking back I do recall significant doubt occurring during the time of making the "right" decision. So therefor I feel a big gunshy if you will. During the events of the disappointments, I didn't give up I kept pressing on with hope, only to not get what I myself wanted and being slightly disappointed but in no way devastated. Bummed for a day or two, then moved on. But because of those disappointments I am afraid I'll be unable to have faith when I need to. Does this make any sense to anyone or am I talking out of my butt? Oh how I feel that way often. Everything in my being tells me to pursue this whole Springer thing, yet I'm afraid I won't have the gumption to push for it. Like because of disappointments I'll begin to doubt, and not push forward and that would be a disservice to my child. So I need to build myself up to be a freakin grown up and get shit done. End of story. If it doesn't work out it doesn't work out, I'll move on. But there's part of me that like "Ok God but now it's my kid you are messing with, and if this doesn't work out, I'll be more than disappointed." This could be the time I am devastated. Ok Ok Ok....wait a minute! God doesn't mess with you! Geez.....he nudges you to pursue things that are outside of you comfort zone to build character, even if he knows things won't go the way you want them to, he's building my character so that, when I do pursue the thing that will happen, I'll have built up the character to do so......HOLY CRAP....now that people was a cathartic moment. Or as Oprah says, and Ah-ha moment. Only a good Christian girl, like myself can use the word Shit and God in the same blog and get away with it. I challenge you to do the same. It'll feel good, and seriously God doesn't care. He's just happy you'll be talking about him. Now I wouldn't suggest dropping F-bombs.....but cuss at will.....it'll feel good.

4 comments:

Melinda said...

Hmmm, that's a toughie b/c I know whereof you speak. I find sometimes, though, that I'm much more willing to push for things for other people than I am for myself.

Maybe God has put Springer before you so that you will push for it & achieve it...or, maybe He's brought this idea into your view to see how much you want it/need it & to see if you're willing to leap? And, maybe it isn't about Springer at all, but your willingness to put yourself out there & let God be the captain of the team for a bit?

NOW look who is talking from her behind!!

Stacie said...

1. Regarding our occassional... ok, "frequent" use of bad language? :-) Sometimes you just have to worry less about your language and more about what you're saying.

2. But there's part of me that like "Ok God but now it's my kid you are messing with, and if this doesn't work out, I'll be more than disappointed." - WAY honest. And that's how you should be with God. Not all polite and such (it's not like He doesn't already know!)

3. And, maybe it isn't about Springer at all, but your willingness to put yourself out there & let God be the captain of the team for a bit? - I agree with Melinda, Springer could be a motivator or it could be the goal. Either way, I totally understand that frustration of not knowing.

Ultimately, you're not going to let Perry down. As long as you're honestly seeking God (which you are) and willing to listen to Him (which, again, you are) then God isn't going to "penalize" Perry. Remember - if we were able to figure out God? he wouldn't be a God worth having.

Damn straight.

Connie said...

WOW. What a moment you had here.

I totally believe God will see you through this.

I agree...it may not be Springer. But, something else may come from you pursuing Springer.

Do what you can, but turn it over to God.

I am a firm believer that He knows what is best for us. You may recall a little turmoil we went through with a store that shall not be named several years ago? Well, had it not been for that, I wouldn't be in my current position today. So, if He cares about something as small as scrapbooking, I can guarantee that He cares about something as precious as Perry.

I have total faith that something will work out for Perry. It may not be what YOU think it should be. Have faith that He knows what is best.

Heather said...

I don't think I can say anything that hasn't already been said. And, there's NO WAY you're going to let Perry down -- NO WAY! Just the fact that you're consumed with this is proof of that. Additionally, God knows what it's like to have His child messed with -- he's not going to mess with your child... He has GREAT plans for you and Perry...