In my quest to break the generational curse of being crazy. Craziness on mine and my husbands part. I think I may have driven myself crazy. Sunday mornings are the worse day of the week for me. I mean horrible. Sundays are not good for me until I reach my seat at church and begin to worship, and I close my eyes and allow God to wash over me. Thank God for worship music. My heart breaks every Sunday because I am standing next to a man who doesn't want to be there. I struggle with the fact that I so desperately want him to desire to be there. I can't understand the concept, of feeling so let down by God that you have no desire at all to seek him. Am I wrong for thinking that is selfish? You pray and you pray and you pray for something you want so much, and God just doesn't give it to you for whatever reason. So you acted pissed off at the world, and God. My husbands not the only one in my life who has done this. Honestly it drives me nuts. Am I some freak of nature who when something I pray for just doesn't work out, I might be let down for a day or even less but I pick up and move on and am ready for whatever God has for me next. Should I just be thankful that he's wired me that way? That's great and all, however.....it doesn't help when I have to deal with these people who are close to me and are pissed off at God all the time.
So I titled this Being a Parent.....I had another idea in mind before I began to write....something happened. So my idea when I titled it Being a Parent was, my desire is for Perry to NEVER feel forced to go to church as my husband felt his whole life growing up. I want him to feel as I felt, and he grows up going to church every sunday, and when he's old enough to "want to" or not, that he'll chose to want to, and see what it is he's getting there. I don't want him to see me fighting with his father every Sunday because of church. I want him to see a happy family going to church because they want to be there. Part of me just wants to leave Ron at home every Sunday rather than deal with his attitude, but then I know God speaks to him once he gets there and if that stops....I am terrified of what happens next.
1 comment:
Jodi, you're in my prayers. This post was so honest, thank you for sharing that with us. I know those fears for Perry, I feel them for my own boys though Rusty's attitude toward God and his relationship with God is at a different place. I'm here for you, even though I'm not "there" for you ;-)
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